JOURNEY & JEWELS: Being the Second Wife
I didn't plan on being the second wife, it just happened. In retrospect, I am so glad that it did. I sometimes ask myself if I could choose, would I rather have Landon the first time around. That question is unfair. Half of me would obviously say yes, the other half would respectfully decline. The truth is, there are some perks to being the second wife. But, I'd be lying if I were to say that it doesn't come with a cost. Let's dive right into the journey and jewels of being Landon's second wife.
When my husband and I first began to date, he was a few years out of his first marriage, and I had ended a relationship not too long before. I was skeptical about dating someone who was previously married, and older than me. However, everything just seemed right. If I am being fully transparent, I experienced some insecurities in the beginning, knowing that my husband had already had a marriage. He had already experienced the excitement of a wedding, and all of the joys of being in the honeymoon state of marriage. Being the "second wife" didn't sound like a suitable title, as often times, many people will try to place you in the shadow of the first wife. As terrifying as that reality could have been, fortunately it wasn't mine.
Within the first six months of being engaged, I was plagued by the idea of being the second wife. I wanted to be perfect. I asked myself every question a second wife may think of. Would his family embrace me? Could I be a better wife than his first? Was their relationship as amazing as ours? Does he compare us? Does he still have feelings for her?
My husband was very patient and understanding, and he did what he could to reassure me that our relationship was ours. As much as I know my husband loves me dearly, I struggled with knowing that I wasn't his first wife. It is much difficult going in, knowing that my husband took a vow with someone once before me. I had to realize that he was now with me for a reason.
Nonetheless, I have been able to defeat the doubts that I have had in my mind. I had to ask myself if I was willing to jeopardize something so special for something so minuet. Surely as our relationship began to grow, those insecurities within me slowly dissipated.
1. My Husband Chose Me For A Reason
Most men who have been scorned in their past relationship will not jump into a second relationship without thinking twice. My husband knew what he wanted, and he pursued it. ME! Unless a man is showing you that his first wife still takes precedence in his heart, understand that he chose you. If he has been married before, he already has an understanding of the magnitude of marriage. When my husband and I began dating, we were in awe of how compatible we were. I had to learn to be understanding of his past and his pain. As we shared with each other our most vulnerable feelings, we knew instantly that we could be great for each other. What is most important is that through my husbands experiences, he had a better idea of what he did and did not want in a partner. It became more clear to me that in order for him to consider marrying me, I had to embody what he desired in a life partner.
2. Don't Compete With The Past
The past is the past for a reason. If I look back, so will he. I learned how not to compare myself to someone who wasn't as important as I thought. Your mind will make you think that you are not good enough. Even though I didn't focus on it enough to let it interfere with my marriage, I still had to internally work on training my mind to be grateful for the past. The process of training your mind to see the good in a bad situation, is daunting, yet rewarding. You are rewarded with peace. I developed a level of peace and mere gratitude for my husband's past marriage. I am grateful to my husband's ex-wife, as I know she endured a transitional period in my husband's life, and thus contributed to some of his growth as a man, and as a lover. My husband expresses all that he was able to learn- good and bad- from his past. Fortunately for me, his past relationship paved the way for our future. As a result, I am now able to enjoy such a mature, loving, and considerate man. So, if your relationship with your spouse is great, there is no need to compete with the past, but rather appreciate it for the beauty that it has brought to you.
Check out one of the books that was pivotal in our growth.
Stay tuned for Landon's story.